Tuesday, April 2, 2019

3 months in a cave of.....Despair

Assalamualaikum n welcome back!!!

Alhamdulillah....lama betul x bersiaran dan berada dalam keadaan yg gloomy dan kesedihan..December18- February 19...Satu tempoh 'gelita' dan 'berkabung' bagi keluarga kami....So many things happened and it was really a tough period I can say.... Melibatkan darah daging sendiri… Siapa tahu dan siapa dapat menduga sesuatu yang berlaku tidak pernah terlintas di dalam benak hati dan fikiran kami semua. Tetapi Allah itu Maha Adil, Maha Memahami dan Maha Penyayang. Setiap kejadian yang dikurniakan, pasti ada Hikmah sebalikNya….


Jadi sepanjang tempoh kejadian peristiwa kesedihan yang berlaku pada keluarga besar kami. Aku mmg sangat sibuk dan letih ke sana ke mari. Dalam benak hati dan ruang otak, tumpuan lebih kepada proses pemulihan darah daging. Saban hari, aku ke hospital untuk memberikan semangat dan sokongan. Selain itu, hp aku x lekang dari panggilan telefon dan berselang-seli dengan WA message dari ahli keluarga. Pendek kata, hidup aku dan family kecil aku agak berterabur dan berserabut. Jangan ditanya kisah corrections aku yang hidup segan mati tak mahu tu...Memang aku letak tepi terus buat seketika. I was totally exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. To the exntent, I was at the brink of sanity. Haaaaa amik ko….It was pure shock and pure depression. In the Mid February, I exploded!!! huhuhu...luckily I was surrounded by those who love me so much.  They managed to put up with my lowest point of my life. They picked me up and placed me right where I used to be. Alhamdulillah. Allah gave me first hand experience of depression.

Now, it's April and I have left with plus minus 7 months before my final due date of corrections. I do believe that I can do it with the given time. Ya Allah, please let me finish this final stage of my study journey. So that I can move on and make myself  proud, my parents happy and my husband at ease too. My journey is being supported by many from the beginning. Please, please and please Ya Allah. I put my faith in you for everything happened through my journey. I was tested with so many un thinkable tests. I hope that I pass this final stage with flying colors. Ameen. Hasbunallah Wanikmal Wakil.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Solace

Oraits………… It is a record since I posted twice in a day!! In the era where fb n ig conquered..It would be rare to write in a blog as frequently as I did today. Hahahaha…. I am also impressed with myself for doing this...
But I need to find solace to be able to express myself freely without having worries that others might judging me. Coz I believe that not many people are into blog walking nowadays.

Ok....I don't care about being perfect anymore. All I care is to finish...Finish and get though with it...Yeah.... May my motivation stays stronger till the end of the road..Ameen..You go girl!!! Be the girl that you used to be.. I have faith in you that you still have that strong wills and brave enough to face all challenges no matter what...IsyaAllah

#mycorrectionsjourney
#myphdlife

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Happy November and we are left with less than two months before 2018 bids it farewell.
What do we have achieved so far?
How many memories have we cherished?
How many people that we have lost?

Yup..... There are so many questions in my mind right now. To be honest.... I am happy with 2018 so far regardless of hiccups here and there. There were many times I had these negative thoughts of quitting and ran away from what I have started. Luckily, I kept on telling to myself. I need to finish this off for good or I will regret for not doing it for the rest of my life. Yes, I should have never doubt my own abilities and strengths. I am so blessed because I have been surrounded by positive and great individuals to keep on cheering and giving me endless supports from the beginning till now. But, there are many times, I have brought myself into this ugly situation. Nevertheless, Allah is always there to guide and gives His supports and endless loves. Hasbunallah Waniakmal Wakil. Who are we to question His Mercy.....

Overall, I am so thankful and blessed.Alhamdulillah…..


Yes....I need to finish this journey for good...I am targeting that by February, 2019... I can have my long waited freedom...InsyaAllah and I can start a new chapter of life. IsyaAllah

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Gastric

Salam Isnin……

Moga korang semua dalam keadaan ceria dan sihat selalu…..Alhamdulillah, aku baru je lepas ok dari serangan gastric. Yup, I had gastric since primary school. Gastric atau ulser di dalam perut..
Blamed it on my diet (bukan salah mama) I mean, I loved drinking carbonated drinks and sour food (furits and asam). I hade balance diet at home, but I took these drinks and food without my mama's consents or behind her back. Jadi, pepaham la ye ;) The habits continued when I was sent back to Kampung. Makin sakan laaa memulun..Cucu duduk dgn atok..Hmmmm..haahaha…. Campur itu ini...Akhirnya, usus aku makin nipis lepas memalui prosedur endoscopy. At one time, teruk sgt mmg selalu warded. Heee…… Bila dah besar n cerdik sikit jaga pemakanan...Alhamdulillah makin kurang serangan gastric tu..Cuma bila Ramadhan, memang akan ada sehari dua yang lompong sbb gastric ni…

Sekarang ni, aku dah faham perut sendiri. Antara perkara-perkara yang aku bagi perhatian demi kesejahteraan perut sendiri.
Disclaimer: This is made based on my personal experience and observation, the impacts might vary to others:

1. Pedas- kalau boleh, cuba elakkan makanan pedas. Tapi kalau x dapat. Kurangkan pun dah cukup ok ;)

2. Asidic- Makanan yang masam2 boleh trigger usus perut penyakit gastric. Kalau dulu aku sgt suka makan buah2 masan, rojak, jeruk etc. Sekarang mmg kena selalu berawas. Mmg aku sgt kurang amik asidic food/fruits

3. Diet - Ada pernah cuba kurangkan berat dgn cara berdiet. Nampaknya cara tu x sesuai utk aku sbb buat gastric aku dtg balik. Caranya sekarang, aku buat diet yang sesuai dgn keadaan usus aku…Walaupun effects agak slow, tapi Berjaya turunkan 3 kilo dlm masa 3 bulan..hihihi...Jadilah

4. Stress level- bab ni sgt subjektif, ada orang mmg xde hal n xde hadapi gastric kalau stress level naik. Mcm aku, mmg ada direct effects..Ntah mcm mana leh jadi gastric ntah..hohohoho

5. Basi- tolong elak sangat2 bab makanan basi ni. Aku selalu ikut guts feeling bab ni.Perut aku mmg xleh tolerate makanan yg hamper basi atau sudah basi. Teruk akibatnya..

Bab trigger dah settle, sekarang apa yang aku buat utk mengelakkan gastric dtg bertamu.

1. Susu - Ye, ni salah satu agent yg baik utk perut pesakit gastric. Tapi, hanya berkesan kalau x kena gastric, waktu sihat. Kebiasaan aku minum segelas susu waktu pagi, segelas susu sebelum tidur. Alhamdulillah, amat jarang dah kena gastric

2. Susu+ Kurma- ni satu lagi good combination yang bg perut kita rasa lega

3. Diet - yang betul dan seimbang

4. Air- Ye, minum air masak/suling yang mencukupi setiap hari. Selain dpt menjaga isi perut dan badan kita. Air juga bantu kita jadi awet muda..Kikiki..So rajin2 laa ye minum air...Air manis dan berkarbonat..x termasuk ye ;)

Ok....happy reading semua...till we meet again ;)



Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Dia mualimah, guru, teacher ku yg pertama

Assalamualaikum……..n happy cheerful Thursday...

Alhamdulillah masih lagi bersiaran dan sihat sejahtera dlm Nikmat dan IhsanNya …..

Tetiba pulak jadi terajin nak update blog ni kan....After all this while, I've been away and pretending to be busy when my life is so routine..hahaha… Sebenarnya, niat nak mencoret di pagi hari ini adalah untuk mengkisahkan kisah seorang insan yang paling istimewa dalam hidup aku. Supaya kisahnya 'hidup' dalam diri aku dan cucu-cucunya yang tidak berpeluang untuk mengenali insan hebat ini kerana Allah lebih Menyayanginya…

Seingat aku, aku berjaya khatam Quran sewaktu umur aku baru mencecah 8 tahun. Sejak bila aku mula belajar Buku Allah ni, mmg aku sendiri pun x ingat..Teruk betul memory, ni sebab dulu banyak sangat main laa..hahaha...Tapi seriously, Darjah 2 je aku dah Berjaya menghabiskan satu buku Allah ni. Alhamdulillah. Kalau ikut flashback memory aku, mungkin...mungkin aku mula kena Kalamullah ni at a very young age...Aku x hebat, yg hebat, Bonda ku….Dia Muallimah, Guru dan Teacherku yang pertama… Aku belajar mengaji dari mama dan bila dah mula masuk sekolah rendah….Baru berjumpa dengan Ustazah Maimunah yang turut sama mengasahkah bakat aku dlm Tilawah AlQuran..Apa??? Durra leh mengaji quran ikut tarannum..hehehe... Boleh laaa sikit2 ;) Lepas laa takat Hijjaz, Bayati etc... Sebab masa sekolah menengah, terpilih masuk Kelas Khas Kemahiran Al-Quran dari zaman Labu sampai la Mergong.. Nak kata aku ni seorang murid yang tekun dan wanita lindungan Kaabah tu..hmmm mmg sadly, TAK.. gheja aku rebel je masa sek menengah tu...haaiishh…Apa jenis peel pun aku sampai skrng, aku sendiri x faham.. errkk

Ok, sambung citer balik...Rumah aku ni, boleh dikatakan dr pagi sentiasa ada orang datang belajar mengaji dengan mak aku ni..Dulu aku pun x faham, pesal rumah aku tiap2 hari penuh...Ada 2 jenis golongan pelajar mama, dewasa dan kanak-kanak. Mama mengajar mengaji Al-Quran dan Muqadam (zaman tu xde Iqra2 ni) dan selain tu mama juga mengajar Fardhu Ain. Jadi, mmg sentiasa lah ada sesi mengaji kat rumah aku yang sentiasa ramai dengan tetamu2 yg dating silih berganti. Yup, rumah kami masa tu mcm B&B, pusat tution lebih kurang.Happening!!

Zaman tu, BBBangi x macam sekarang...Small community dan dalam hutan!! 1980an is e best era kalau korang tanya aku…. Zaman tu, Bangi punya penduduk x sampai 1 ribu orang. Jadi , memang kami boleh kenal each other. Pasar malam pun alahai, comel kecik je..sapa yg perasan, Pasar Pagi fasa satu tu, deret kedai sebaris tu..situ lah tapak pasar malam pertama di Bangi..n pondok polis pertama pun dekat kedai tu...Haaa..punya lah kecik Bangi masa tu ;) yang lain masih lagi tanah kosong or tanah yg ada kelapa sawit..Haiwan2 pun meriah juga waktu tu..xyah nak g Zoo bagai..hihihi…

Kisah mama mengajar ngaji ni….mmg jiran tetangga etc dari mak sampai ke anak2... Mostly, area fasa 1 tu, mama lah muallimah.. Jadi bila aku dah Nampak steady skit....Mama mula training aku utk Tilawah...Suara aku xde la sedap mana..Hehe...tapi takat nak baca Quran secara berlagu..Ok lah… Ada masuk few competitions, ada yang menang n ada yang x.. Tapi bila mama Nampak aku ni susah nak duduk diam lama2..Mama pun dah x paksa aku masuk competitions.. Sebab masuk darjah 3 je, aku mmg sangat aktif bersukan. Wakil sekolah, daerah sampai ke negeri. Jadi , mmg sgt kontra laa kalau aku involved serentak..Mcm split of identity gitu.. Pg dok molek mengaji, petang tukar uniform berpanas terik..Mama mmg cool sbb dia x paksa aku.. Jadi lepas darjah 3, mmg aku stop masuk Tilawah Al- Quran..Tapi, aku dah mula ganti mak aku mengajar kawan2/junior baca Muqadam/Quran kalau hari yg mak aku xde...Ustazah bidan terjun sekali sekala. Pikir2 balik, mcm x percaya pun ada..huhuhu…

So, sekarang ni..aku x hantar anak2 pergi mengaji dgn orang lain. Satu, sebab aku ada ruang nak ajar diorng..Surirumah kan..hehehe.. Kedua, aku nak sambung legasi mama..Bagi tiap kali aku mengajar anak2, aliran pahala tu turun kepada mama..InsyaAllah..Wpun, agak lambat aku mula utk bebudak ni..tapi better late than never. Alhamdulillah..MH dah nak masuk surah Al Imran..IN pula dah masuk Iqra 6.



Sunday, July 29, 2018

It's never too late

Assalamualaikum n happy productive Monday....

Yup...even it is raining and the weather is a bit gloomy (talking about Malaysia's weather in comparison to UK's). Since I read a short story about "Who move my cheese" . It kept on bugging me days and nights. I admit that I am a lazy bum and a champion at procrastination. Yet, my dream is huge, as huge as Table Mountain in South Africa. Somehow, my effort and attitude have been the main obstacles. Alhamdulillah, after reading the story. I think or I believe that it does have an impact on my mindset. Huh!! After nearly 7 months drifting away from what I am supposed to do.. That is why I am saying it...It's never too late...

I passed my viva 7 months ago... Regardless how my SV felt and told me that I can't make it. Against all the odds, Allah has His Mercy on me...n the journey continues. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah...I don't feel ashamed about how long it takes compared to others..There have been ups and downs along the paths...One step has been already in the 'house'..I need to push myself forward to get another leg and start decorating the 'house'. Hahahaha what a metaphor...I have been given another precious opportunity.. Yet, I wasted my 7 months and left with another 5 months.

It's never too late to finish this journey and embark a new one. Please pray for me and surely my prayers and thoughts are for you too. I will try to update my progress along the way. Please excuse my writing and don't be too harsh on me kay ;) I am trying my best to express my thoughts and at the same time to motivate myself through blog writing. It is something that I have done for the past few years.

Those who are with me from beginning, thank you for your supports. This blog has watched my journey, through thick and thin..Alhamdulillah...With His Blessings and Endless Love, I survived... Hope to end this long journey beautifully by the end of this year...Ameen :) :)

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Syawal Ke 6 Tanpa Mama

Ye…. Tahun ni tahun ke 6 kami semua beraya tanpa Mama...….. How do I feel?

The feeling haven't change a bit since 28th April, 2012.. It will never be the same again tho... To think about it, I haven't celebrate Raya with my parents and my family since 2007- 2012 and all in all 6 years since I was away at my place of birth. Plus another 6 years after mama left us, total is 12 years!! During the period of 2007-2011, I didn't feel the distance and loneliness during Raya because mama used to sent me parcels through our pilot friends- Nadir and Ayil (they are also our childhood friends since kindergarten). At that time, they were on Kul- Lon route on monthly basis. Therefore, we always commute back and forth from Soton- London at least once in a month. They are also avid cyclists and loved to purchase online things. It was a barter system because we brought their things in exchange of our parcels sent by mama. Thinking of it, we never run out of stock!! The keropok, rempah ratus etc... Mama will always try to search and get it for me. Huhuhu…… We also talked  on daily basis too... shortest conversation was 10 minutes and longest was 2 hours!!

One thing that I don't feel so lost and full of regrets (unlike my sisters) is that I got to spent at least one solid month in a year with my parents because they came to the UK every year since 2008. In March 2010, when we got the 'disaster' news about my pregnancy. It happened that my family was in Southampton (my parents, youngest sister and brother) when we found out about the complication. It was a blessing in disguised because they were there during my mental turmoil. When I was in my 37 weeks of pregnancy, mama came back to give me moral support and stayed for a month...

That are among the stories that I believe Allah shows His Mercy on me to have mama by my side even we are separated by thousands miles. Alhamdulillah...

I miss you so much mama.... but at the same time, I have good feeling that you are in a better place now. InsyaAllah, one fine day I will follow you too...….